29 August 2013

There On The Shore Again

He saw her at the beach -
every summer.
Memory always brings him
to stand  
where they had first made love.

© JPW 2013


dVerse Poets Pub - Meeting the Bar ...One More Time

A reworking of my original poem "Here On The Shore"



14 comments:

  1. well you paired that one back quite a bit. honestly i think i like the longer one better on this one...smiles.

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  2. heck yes - that was quite some cutting - i echo bri - maybe it's because i remember the longer one - but this one deserves a bit more flesh..smiles

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  3. Brian, Claudia - Sort of proves a point: editing and revision isn't always needed. Sometimes we get darn lucky and write a poem people appreciate on its own merit. Thanks for the nod to the original. I agree, I like that one better too! ...smiles!

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  4. I'll find another to do a chop on for this exercise and see if it makes a difference.

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  5. They are really so different it's hard to compare.

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    1. Thanks Laurie. One is terse, the other sets the stage. I like a little back story myself. Glad you stopped to visit.

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  6. I like this one too, but have to agree, the original gives it just that little extra touch...

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    1. There's a consensus then. The original remains the poem; revision (in this one) the afterthought! Thanks for the comment and approval, turtlememoir!

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  7. I like them both, Joseph, but this one seems so precise and I like the aura of mystery. The unedited one stands out for its form. They are almost two separate poems. I like the second title best.

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    1. I appreciate your comments as well, Victoria. The second was an attempt at a bare bones poem that retained the essence of the original. If you've sensed them as separate poems, then I came close to that reality.

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  8. I remember and adore the longer one as the description of "her" is so lovely. However, this is almost tongue in cheek and I like how "every summer" becomes something else once you read the whole short verse. So in that regard it is quite witty.

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    1. Thank you Margaret! The truncated version does seem a bit "snarky"! There could be many connotations here.

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I would appreciate feedback on my work. If we don't learn, we'll never grow.