...the poetic rambles of Joseph Philip Walters!
well you paired that one back quite a bit. honestly i think i like the longer one better on this one...smiles.
heck yes - that was quite some cutting - i echo bri - maybe it's because i remember the longer one - but this one deserves a bit more flesh..smiles
Brian, Claudia - Sort of proves a point: editing and revision isn't always needed. Sometimes we get darn lucky and write a poem people appreciate on its own merit. Thanks for the nod to the original. I agree, I like that one better too! ...smiles!
I'll find another to do a chop on for this exercise and see if it makes a difference.
They are really so different it's hard to compare.
Thanks Laurie. One is terse, the other sets the stage. I like a little back story myself. Glad you stopped to visit.
I like this one too, but have to agree, the original gives it just that little extra touch...
There's a consensus then. The original remains the poem; revision (in this one) the afterthought! Thanks for the comment and approval, turtlememoir!
I like them both, Joseph, but this one seems so precise and I like the aura of mystery. The unedited one stands out for its form. They are almost two separate poems. I like the second title best.
I appreciate your comments as well, Victoria. The second was an attempt at a bare bones poem that retained the essence of the original. If you've sensed them as separate poems, then I came close to that reality.
I remember and adore the longer one as the description of "her" is so lovely. However, this is almost tongue in cheek and I like how "every summer" becomes something else once you read the whole short verse. So in that regard it is quite witty.
Thank you Margaret! The truncated version does seem a bit "snarky"! There could be many connotations here.
I would appreciate feedback on my work. If we don't learn, we'll never grow.